my room smells like sperm. sweet.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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