Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
