Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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