My hand turned me down
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
