No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
