i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
