its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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