Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
