i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I cannot find my penis.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
