this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
