I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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