just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
