I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
