I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
