Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize