I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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