I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
