May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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