so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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