so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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