broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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