that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
