My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize