How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
