I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
