I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
