Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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