the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
