so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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