have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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