My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize