My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
