so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
