Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
