What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
