Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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