there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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