I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
