she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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