Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
