I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
