And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
