I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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