bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
