I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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