with your own penis?
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I need moral support for this bender
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
