I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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