WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
