It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize