The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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