If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
