The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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