just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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