Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
