I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
