and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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