I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize