I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Randomize